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filter: url( #wp-duotone-filter-633fd16cd7f31 );>As Christmas approaches, I can’t seem to find anything that I’d want because what I want can’t be bought. In fact, all that I feel is this earthquake of emotion as I think of all the things that I can not have. After all, what I want aren’t things at all
The desire for one more doesn’t come in the way that it used to. Instead, of one more bag, or one more bottle; all I desire is one more hug. One more chance to respond sooner. One more “I love you”. One more phone call that I would have, should have or could have made. One more talk, one more kiss on the cheek ‘goodbye’, one more of anything would have been nice — but, would it suffice? I don’t think it would cause I’d still be sitting here wishing for one more. I wish I had the chance to tell you all the things I felt I never could — starting with a — “thank you.”
Thank you for allowing me to pass the time instead of leaving me to be alone with my pain. Thank you for giving me a chance to be a kid and go out and play. Thank you for telling me you understood when it felt like the rest of the world didn’t. Thank you for hugging me instead of yelling at me as everyone else did. I’ll never forget you and all the things you said to me. You always told me I could talk to you — even if I didn’t know-how. You let me know you’d always be there, and a part of me feels like you always will. I also feel like I may have let you down. However, I know there’s probably not much I could have said or done. I painfully accept that.
They say I have a way with words well, that may be so. And, I think that if given the chance maybe I could have convinced you to keep fighting. That’s where I get lost in the thoughts and I start getting mad at myself. I know that you’re in a better place, at least this is all that I can think to keep me from falling apart. I know I won’t be able to hug you one last time and this just breaks my heart.
Unfortunately, there are missing puzzle pieces that leave some of us incomplete. I just never thought that missing piece would be you.
I’m sure we’re all wishing that we could put you on our Christmas list and wake up to see you standing by our trees. If this were possible, I’d tell you how beautiful you really are and how your smile lights up the room. Our family traditions will never be the same without out you here. Our holidays will be missing you and our minds will be filled with your memory. Knowing that you can’t be with us in physical form – I know you’ll visit each of us in spirit.
After you left, butterflies filled my yard — I wonder if that was you. I like to think it was your way of telling me, you’ll always be here in some form or another. It doesn’t change the fact that you’ll never be here to throw another one of your famous get-togethers like you did when I was a kid. Man, I loved those! I know we kids were always excited about it. You had a way of bringing everyone together and sharing your love with each of us. Your contagious smile and laugh will truly be missed.
That day I found out you were gone my guts felt like they fell to the floor. My husband and I had just started to argue over something ridiculous and petty. That’s when I saw the text from my mom that said you had passed away. I broke into tears as I stared at my phone in utter disbelief. I can only imagine that what I felt was nowhere near the magnitude of your children’s pain. My heart didn’t just break for me but it broke for them too. If I could take an ounce of that pain away from them, believe me — I would. In retrospect, you were more than just an Aunt — but another mother caring for a child and those cousins of mine that to me, were more than just cousins — they are my brother and sister.
My husband asked me to find out what your favorite thing to do was or where you’re favorite place might be. Well, I found out that you enjoyed the beach — so after informing him of this — out of all of the beaches around me — he drove me to your favorite one. What are the chances of that? Considering he didn’t know anything! Well, maybe it’s just some sort of coincidence but by the looks of the moon, I’d like to think that you were there with me somehow. Without any kind of knowledge about where your memorial would be held, it happened to be on that same beach. Well, maybe there are no accidents – at least I’d like to think so. All I know is after that, all I ever saw were butterflies — everywhere.
A prayer that I said to you, “when you’re with me, show me butterflies.” And — so you did. I hope you got my letter, I’m sorry my response was too late.
I find myself filled with guilt and regret but, all I can hear you say is “stop that” as you’d probably hug me and tell me you love me. Well, I love you too. We all are going to be missing you, not just for the holidays but always.
There’s a saying that goes…
“When butterflies appear angels are near.” Well, I’ll keep you with me close, knowing that you’ll always be watching over me through the eyes of butterflies.
To all of those who were lost too soon, you’ll never be forgotten.
I think losing someone in your family that you love is a painful experience for anyone. The first thought I had was, “I need to take this away with something.” I just want to tell you that normally, I would have gotten high that day. I probably would have drunk a whole lot just to avoid the feelings — Most likely would have humiliated myself or told everyone off. However, I was able to keep myself present and that was a gift in itself. To go through the loss of someone you love and stay clean; that’s not easy for an addict or any human being in this case. But, I’m here to tell you it’s possible.
I don’t think the reality of it really sank in yet. Life gets busy, and while you’re too busy making plans – life makes plans without you. I was so caught up in my life that I didn’t even stop to slow down to think about the repercussions of my excuses for not reaching out. “I’m just not good at that.” I’d say. Well now I know better and I hope whoever’s reading this learns from my mistakes. Only a fool learns from his own, but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others. Be the wise one, not the fool.
With that being said, I’m here to tell you one thing: Love the ones you have today. Love them with your entire being because you never know when that phone call or text may come saying they’re gone. Take a time out from your busy life and give someone you love some of your time. Take the time to get that hug — take a drive, make that phone call, say what you want to say now even if it’s just “I love you”, do all of this today, right now — before it’s too late. You never know when the opportunity to have one more will run out! Then, you’ll be sitting here wishing like me & there’s nothing worse than that!
Losing someone is never ever an easy thing. I know that what is important is to learn how to live with the pain, instead of running from it. Whether it’s one day at a time, one hour or minute… I know that I must do it with my focus on healing rather than covering it up. Because covering it up and pretending like it isn’t there hurts more than accepting it.
–Addict Named Mom
keep your eyes out for butterflies
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